Monday, February 21, 2011

Monday, February 07, 2011

Advice for Men

Men are at a distinct disadvantage in any encounter with women, and I think I've figured out why. We don't speak the same language. Most men that I know are pretty straightforward when communicating with each other. A guy comes up and says “man, I feel like shit today” I can respond by saying “yeah, dude, you look like shit too” and we understand each other....a man stated that he was a bit under par that day and another man offered confirmation and support. Try telling a woman she looks like shit and see where that comment will take you. What's good for the gander is definitely not good for the goose.

So...after a lifetime of being around women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and personality types; I've distilled a few key phrases that, while obvious when spoken man to man, take on a very different context when spoken by a woman to a man. Pay attention guys. Life is easier when you know this stuff. The first phrase is what a female will tell you. The second is the translation you should be hearing...or else.

“Nothing's wrong”
translation --- something's wrong, you have 10 seconds to figure out what

“It's not you, it's me”
translation --- it's you

“I don't care what we watch on TV tonight”
translation --- give me the remote

“I don't want to talk about it”
translation --- no TV for you tonight

“I'm not upset”
translation --- no sex either

“You're so manly”
translation --- you're a slob

“That girl is so pretty”
translation --- don't look

“I don't need a gift”
translation --- I better get a good one

“You don't listen to me”
translation --- stop arguing

“I guess it's all my fault”
translation --- last warning, quit arguing with me

“Fine then, I'm sorry”
translation --- you'll be sorry