I Love My Toys

Day One

Warning! Semi-nude old fat dude content toward the end.

Wednesday Cat Blogging

Wednesday Cat Blogging

Advice for Men

Men are at a distinct disadvantage in any encounter with women, and I think I've figured out why. We don't speak the same language. Most men that I know are pretty straightforward when communicating with each other. A guy comes up and says “man, I feel like shit today” I can respond by saying “yeah, dude, you look like shit too” and we understand each other....a man stated that he was a bit under par that day and another man offered confirmation and support. Try telling a woman she looks like shit and see where that comment will take you. What's good for the gander is definitely not good for the goose.

So...after a lifetime of being around women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and personality types; I've distilled a few key phrases that, while obvious when spoken man to man, take on a very different context when spoken by a woman to a man. Pay attention guys. Life is easier when you know this stuff. The first phrase is what a female will tell you. The second is the translation you should be hearing...or else.

“Nothing's wrong”
translation --- something's wrong, you have 10 seconds to figure out what

“It's not you, it's me”
translation --- it's you

“I don't care what we watch on TV tonight”
translation --- give me the remote

“I don't want to talk about it”
translation --- no TV for you tonight

“I'm not upset”
translation --- no sex either

“You're so manly”
translation --- you're a slob

“That girl is so pretty”
translation --- don't look

“I don't need a gift”
translation --- I better get a good one

“You don't listen to me”
translation --- stop arguing

“I guess it's all my fault”
translation --- last warning, quit arguing with me

“Fine then, I'm sorry”
translation --- you'll be sorry

Wednesday Cat Blogging

Snow Walk

Monday Cat Blogging

Hardcore

Monday Cat Blogging

Monday Cat Blogging

First Day

Wow....2011. Seems hard to believe that not only is it past what use to be the premier book of the future for me, Arthur C. Clarke's 2001, but even past his sequel 2010. There are a lot of things that didn't come to pass just as there are many others that I never expected or dreamed of...being overweight among them.

I didn't really do too bad during the last year. Despite several unexpected events and injuries, I managed to lose about twenty pounds and keep it off. Still fat. Still out of shape. Yet I haven't gotten worse. That's something, I suppose.

My project this year is to chronicle every day. That's boring, I know, but though the devil is in the details it's also where the dullness lies. I'll be putting my weight number on this calender every day. I'm not really obsessed by scale numbers but it is a measurement and I want to see what it trends out to over the course of weeks and months. I'll also take photos every day for the same reason. I want to see what happens to my body composition over the course of a year.

My exercise plan is three days of weightlifting alternated by three days of cardio. One day of rest. I will be going slow at first to avoid injury. I'll write a bit about diet though I won't really have one. I'm merely going to do portion control while sticking to healthy carbs, proteins, and lotsa veggies and fruit.

And...of course....Monday cat blogging.

Monday Cat Blogging

You Better Watch Out

For most very young children, theology and religion is way too abstract to really understand. Oh...you go to Sunday school, sit with your parents during services, do all the other stuff that goes along with whatever particular sect you're brought up in....but it's not real....not really. It's just what's expected and, being a kid, you go along. What choice do you have?

But Christmas...now there is some rock solid faith. I may have had an iffy concept of God but I had complete certainty of who Santa was and what he was all about. I didn't need a church to bolster my faith and soothe my doubts. I knew!

Let me tell ya why.

Long, long ago, around Christmas time, my parents dragged us to the Sears & Roebuck department store for a dreary day of shopping. Usually, the one highlight to these annual excursions was a chance to sit on Santa's lap and clue him in on what you wanted Christmas morning. This is important stuff for a kid. If Santa doesn't get your order right you might wind up with nothing but new underwear and a couple of shirts. Still...on one particular day....I was terrified at the thought of facing Santa. You see, I had been recently naughty. I don't remember what it was but it had something to do with something happening in the first grade; so I must have been about six years old or something. All I do remember is the fear that I had blown it for myself for Christmas. I was convinced that as soon as I sat on Santa's lap, he would look into my eyes, tell me what I had done, and call security to have me thrown out of the store.

He keeps a list. He knows if you've been bad or good. I was screwed.

Well...despite my protests....my Dad ordered me to sit on the man's lap or face a whuppin when he got me home. So I did. I walked up to Santa, sat in his lap, dared not look at his face, and blurted out in a soft mumble "I'm sorry Santa. I was bad but I'll be good from now on".

The man dressed in costume patted me on the head and replied "Santa knows you are a good boy". Then he ho-ho-hoed and handed me a candy cane.

The exquisite joy of being forgiven!

Religion often claims to provide that.....Santa delivered.

Monday Cat Blogging

A Walk With My Dad

Unexpected Porn

So there I was, surfing along the internet, when up flashes a website that...er...well....a website with extremely graphic sexual content. Extremely graphic. I mean the kind that singes the edges of your monitor and burns an afterimage in your eyeballs. Not a thing left to imagination at all.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no prude. I've been around the block more than a couple of times and I've seen it all even if I've never had the courage or agility to try it. But...sheesh...I need a little warning! All I was doing was looking up some information about cats and up comes the porn site. No kitties anywhere to be found and I was slamming down my escape key before the wife came in and jumped to entirely wrong conclusions.

I feel like I need to wash my computer.

Right after a cigarette.

Twinkie Diet

Mark Haub, an associate professor of nutrition at Kansas State University, has recently made the news with his proclamation that it doesn't matter what kind of food you eat in order to lose weight as long as you eat less of it. This is basically true...but he goes on to say that he not only lost weight eating junk, but that he is healthier to boot.

In my opinion....this hack should find another line of work and the university should refund the tuition of any student that has taken any class from Haub.

Here's the thing. Yes, if you want to get rid of fat, you must burn more calories than you take take in. However...and this is a big however....if you want to get rid of fat, you need to fuel your body with the nutrients it needs. Otherwise you'll loose a little bit of fat and a whole lot of muscle. You will weight less but you'll still be fat...just a bit smaller.

This is the trap a lot of people fall into and one that took me years to finally understand. When starting a fitness program the one thing everybody does is reduce calories. Boy...does it work! Combine it with an exercise regiment and the pounds just fly off. This is what makes any diet a success...at first. Many people hit a wall when their program has poor nutrition. They find that they can't keep up the intensity of exercise and slow down or quit their daily routine. Then the weight begins to creep back. People get discouraged and start eating whatever they want. Then the weight comes back in full force with a few extra pounds to spare leaving the person feeling frustrated and depressed and ripe for the next diet huckster to come along and sell them a line of BS.

Dieting is really not about reducing calories, it is about nutrition. If you're going to reduce your caloric intake and increase your activity level, every calorie has to count. There is a difference between drinking a can of pop and eating a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. They have about the same amount of calories but the oatmeal is much more beneficial to your body. Too many of us worship at the altar of the scale. Weight is a measure but it is only a number. If the goal is not to be fit...not to be healthy...then why bother going through the work and pain of transforming your body and your lifestyle? Get liposuction and be done with it.

I guess that's why this nutritionist irritates me so much. It seems he's either not very knowledgeable about nutrition or he doesn't care as much as getting his face plastered in the news. It's bad science at it's most blatant. I wonder if the Hostess company paid for his little experiment?

Stop Smoking in 100 Easy Steps

Beyond dieting, beyond exercise, if there is one thing that is critical for me to attain health and fitness....it is the need to quit smoking. Smoking sabotages any attempt in becoming fit. Other than the fact that smoking greatly increases the chances of dying; it also impairs the ability to do workouts on a level needed to lose weight and build muscle.

So...yeah....smoking=bad....I get it. Still, quiting is not easy, at least not for me. I've tried it all. Patches, gum, lozenges, e-cigarettes, behavior modification, and plain old cold-turkey. It all works for awhile but, sooner or later, some stress comes along and I wander back to this old comfortable habit I've fostered for nearly forty years. Just about the only thing I have managed to do is cut down the amount I smoke. I can't smoke in my workplace. I can't smoke in restaurants. Really, these days, the only place I can smoke without restriction is my own home.

Not any more.

My wife and I agreed a couple of months ago not to smoke inside our house. This was not that big of a deal when the weather was nice and warm. With the onset of freezing temps and shorter amounts of daylight...it's beginning to be a real pain to trudge outside for a few puffs. So much so that, often, I just skip the urge. The house smells much nicer now as well.

This is my plan...to make it so inconvenient, so uncomfortable, so un-enjoyable that given the choice to smoke or not I would rather not.

It's working. Nothing else has.

Monday Cat Blogging