Shopping for my Wife

I tell ya, it's hard being a man....and nothing tests us to the limits like shopping. Not just any type of shopping but the dreaded Christmas shopping for (shudder) a woman.

Christmas shopping is bad enough. Especially if you have all my organization and planning skills and decide that two days before Christmas might be a good time to go out and buy a few presents for the wife. Bumper to bumper traffic, no parking, insipid Christmas songs blaring out of department store speakers, and lots of screaming little ankle-biters whom I hope Santa has crossed off his "nice" list. All bad enough; but even worse is having to venture into the forbidden zone at one's favorite retail hell.......the women's wear department.

I don't know what I'm looking for. I steer away from dresses, pants, and blouses because misjudging a wife's size is never a good thing. Too small and she cries because she thinks she's fat. Too large and she cries because she thinks you think she's fat. Ya can't win. There's scarfs and gloves, that's usually a safe bet but I opted out for that the last three years and Vicki is a bit overstocked on those items right now.

What to do? What to do?

I find myself in the lingerie (fancy word for underwear) section and start sifting through a selection of kinda skimpy bra and pantie sets. Trying to picture my wife in some. Smiling. Thinking "this might be kind of nice" when a salesclerk descends upon me asking if she could help me find something. I say that I'm just looking for a gift. The clerk asks what size and I reply "I dunno, about this big" I say, cupping my hands in front of my chest "and about this big around on her bottom" I added, forming my arms in a circle and inadvertently moving them in what could be perceived as an obscene gesture.

The clerk literally gasped, along with a couple of other lady customers who were giving me the evil eyeball.

I gave up. Got a nice scarf. It would have been pointless for me to explain that I'm not a pervert. Really. I'm just an ordinary man trying to figure out what type of gift would please the woman he loves. A woman can load up a cart full of men's bikini briefs and jock straps and nobody gives it a second thought. Men, however, must either be lost or some type of degenerate to be fondling the lacy drawers. It just goes to show the tired old stereotype that all men have on their minds is sex, sex, sex.

It's a shame we live in a world that judges men with such prejudices.

Why...I hardly noticed that the store mannequins had nipples.